I'm So Tired...

...I haven't slept a wink

I used to listen to the Beatles' song "I'm so tired" on repeat when I was up with Ben (3-7 times a night) for the first two years of his life. It was oddly comforting. 

I go through periods in my life where I experience fairly extreme fatigue. In fact, I don't think I've felt "well-rested" since before Y2K. Now is one of those periods. I've been so exhausted lately, it's hard to keep my eyes open even while I'm walking, and it takes real effort not to fall asleep in the middle of conversations. Hence why I missed a blog post last week, and have been MIA on Instagram.

Being this tired has me musing about how it can be so easy, particularly on Social Media, to pretend like life is really glamorous, and that we're all really successful and happy and awesome all of the time. Well, I just want to be honest with you all and say that, just like every other human on the planet, life is not always easy or glamorous in my experience. It's hard, messy, complicated, weird, beautiful, fierce, and delicate, all at once, and I don't always feel successful or happy even. It's a white-flag-waving kind of week (or month or whatever), the kind that makes you say "Enough! Enough!" and maybe cry a little (and maybe eat too much chocolate, I dunno, you do you), and so it's time to just be real. 

So, with that in mind, here I am. Life is not glamorous or easy, and I'm not feeling particularly successful right in this moment. I'm breaking out, I'm exhausted, my health is not amazing at the present time, and I feel vulnerable and on edge. 

Life isn't a perfect 280 characters on Twitter, it's not an amazingly curated snapshot on Instagram, it's not a well-liked post on Facebook; It just is what it is, and the best thing, I think, we can do for one another, besides the basics like being kind, not murdering people, and disavowing racists and nazis, is to be honest when things are hard instead of always feeling the need to pretend they're perfect. They're not perfect. I'm letting you off the hook, blog readers. My life isn't perfect, yours isn't either, and it's totally okay to be honest about that.  

Go forth, my friends, and let someone else off the hook today by being real, and imperfect. I bet they need it. 

--Sam 

Bad feelings are a feature, not a bug

Why positive thinking isn't always helpful or necessary

Anyone else get annoyed when someone tells you to "cheer up" when you're feeling down, or going through a rough time? 

Stop me if you've heard these ones before (or said them, we're not judging here): 

• "There's always a silver lining"
• "Everything happens for a reason"
• "It could always be worse"
• "Snap out of it" 
• "You'd feel better if you just exercised/meditated/did yoga/ate better/prayed/etc."

It can be frustrating to hear these things even if some of them may be kind of true, because it feels like the person saying them is minimizing whatever it is you're feeling. Whether that's grief, sadness, anxiety, illness, you name it. When the folks you love (or random people who talk to you at Target) tell you some version of "Think positively!" it can be hard not to roll your eyes or maybe cry a little because all you want is for someone to really get what you're going through, or at least give you the space you need to feel the f*ck out of your feelings. 

'Bad' feelings, like anger, sadness, anxiety, grief, etc. are all totally normal feelings, that serve an important purpose for human beings moving about in the world. One of the many important functions these feelings serve is as a contrast to what we think of as pleasant feelings like love, happiness, joy, and so on. You don't know how wonderful joy can be if you've never experienced sorrow. Negative feelings also allow us an important opportunity (should we choose to accept it) to really process what's going on in our heads and hearts, and work through some shit. Lord knows we all have some to work through. These feelings are a part of the human condition, not a hindrance to it. Stuffing those feelings down and pretending they don't exist, or someone asking you to do that, is not only unnecessary, but also unhelpful in the long run, and liable to backfire. 

So that's good news, but it's also a mixed bag (see me not putting a 100% positive spin on this?). It's a mixed bag because you can let yourself off the hook from basically just needing to pretend you're fine all the time (spoiler alert: you're not), but now what the heck are you supposed to do? You've been told since forever that to feel better, you needed to think positively, and eventually you'd be happier (magically, like you're a wizard). Sometimes it might have even worked. But if you know deep down it mostly doesn't work, and you're trying to be better about acknowledging and respecting your own feelings and working through them, now what are you supposed to do to feel better when you're having a tough time? 

Try gratitude and gentleness (with yourself). 

You know what's cool about being grateful? Gratitude doesn't require that you pretend everything is super great to be able to appreciate it. And no, you don't have to 'be grateful' for things like cancer (which should be a given but some people take even gratitude a bit too far), but you can choose small things to be grateful for, even on some pretty tough days. Sometimes it's just coffee. And sometimes it's that you have a roof over your head and a family who loves you. Sometimes it's how your dog always lets you snuggle with him and call him names other than his actual name. Could be anything. Start with just one thing, then see how many other things you can be grateful for. The nice thing about this approach is that there is no reason that bad feelings and gratitude can't co-exist! You can work through your not-so-great feels in your own time, while you give yourself the leeway to feel good about something. Something big, something small, doesn't matter. Gratitude helps to ground us when the bad seems to outweigh the good. While you're doing all that, be gentle with yourself, even when other people may not understand. Seek out those who are supportive of you and what you're going through.

And most importantly, don't let other people consciously or unconsciously bully you out of your feelings when they preach a 'positive thoughts only' approach. Negative feelings are part of the human experience as well (which is not always easy), and they're a feature, not a bug. 

--Sam

Some Days You Just Don't Have It

Like Today, For instance. 

Today I don't have it. To be honest, I didn't really have it yesterday either. I'm not 100% sure what it is, but likely, it's some combination of patience, energy to do things, and time to do them.

My celebration of Mother's Day was largely the receiving of the sweetest Mother's Day card known to mom-kind from my amazing kiddo, Ben, and then building a fort outside in the hammock using blankets and pillows and then snuggling in said fort for a ridiculously long portion of the day, shirking my responsibilities (like blog writing and laundry folding). I didn't have it that day either, and felt guilty about not doing much of anything, even though it was Mother's Day, and even though I finished editing a wedding for a wonderful couple!

The mother of a friend of Ben's messaged me the other day to apologize for missing Ben's birthday party. Her excuse? The had a house fire and are currently living in a hotel. A freaking house fire. And she's apologizing to me about missing Ben's birthday party. 

Women do this to themselves Every. Damn. Day. Every day, we feel guilty for not doing more, not being more, not having unlimited emotional and physical resources to give to our loved ones, our friends, or hell, even strangers. We exhaust ourselves with a laundry list of expectations (pun intended) and work ourselves practically to death, or at least to illness. Speaking of illness, we secretly don't mind getting sick because it's the only time we can rest at least a little guilt free (maybe). 

Recognizing this, I'd still be lying if I said I was going to stop. I'm probably not. And neither are you. But I can get a little more honest about it. Try to catch myself doing it a little more. Give myself a little more grace to have off days (yes days, plural). And I hope you will too. 

And I know this isn't the world's best blog post, but hey, some days you just don't have it. And that's okay. 

--Sam 

How to Connect with Other Creatives

Where to get started

When you're a creative and a small business owner, or looking to move into one or more of those categories, it can feel a little isolating. Doubly so if you're in a season of your entrepreneurial journey where you're struggling or unsure of the next stage in your business. 

Reaching out to other creative entrepreneurs can help you to feel less alone, and like there are folks out there who understand the unique struggles you're going through, and who can celebrate successes with you! 

Here are a few ideas on how to get started: 

The Rising Tide Society

The Rising Tide Society provides affordable small business education opportunities, support for small business owners, and a sense of community the size of an ocean! The mantra of The Rising Tide Society is #CommunityOverCompetition based on the idea that a rising tide lifts all boats. If that weren't enough, their organization facilitates hundreds of Tuesdays Together meetings across the country, which is a chance for you to meet up with local entrepreneurs, talk shop, network, and most importantly, be around other folks who really get what you're going through. Check out both The Rising Tide Society and your local Tuesdays Together meeting, and start connecting with a supportive community of creatives! 

Workshops and Retreats

Having only been to one, I certainly can't speak to all workshops and retreats out there (and I'm willing to bet they're not all as amazing as the one I went to), but I can say that the experience was such an amazing way for me to connect with a group of like-minded badass ladies, and I think making a commitment to dedicating time to your craft, and to connection, can do wonders for your business (and mental) outlook! 

Co-Working Spaces and DIY Clubs

While this might be harder to come by in rural areas, most mid to large sized cities have co-working spaces where you can rent a desk or office space, even as a solo entrepreneur or at-home worker, and get some valuable human interaction time with similarly situated individuals! Or there are also places that are geared towards the maker-scene. In Madison, we've got Sector 67 and the Bodgery as two amazing places for makers looking to connect, and have access to awesome tools and work spaces! 

Online Communities 

Online communities are an amazingly effective and easy way to seek connection with other creative folks, but become crucial for those in more rural areas, or for those that are just dipping their toe in, and aren't quite sure about in-person meet ups. Though to that I say "Come on in! The water is fine!" Still, online communities, including Facebook groups, etc., allow you to connect easily, and on the go, in whatever way you feel most comfortable, with as little or as much commitment as you are able to do, which is nice for those that might make a habit of telling themselves they don't have the time. 

In summary, connecting with other humans is important. And if you're a creative person, and/or a small business owner, it's going to be doubly important for you to connect with folks who really get what you're going through, and the unique challenges that come along with owning a small business or working in a creative field. Do yourself a favor and get out there, even if it's a little out of your comfort zone. I promise it will help you feel more connected not only to a community, but to yourself and your craft. And that's worth leaving the house for! 

Balancing Acts

I want to let you all in on a little secret... Are you ready? You're going to be shocked...

I'm a little bit of a workaholic. Okay, a lot of a workaholic. During 6+ months out of the year, I work 80+ hours per week. I've read all the articles on why self-care and not overworking yourself to death are so important. I've read these articles, and nodded at the sage-like advice, and even handed out that same advice on occasion, but yeah, I have a difficult time putting the concept of 'balance' into play in my own life. It is hard for me to give up control in my business, so I try to do it all, and because I love what I do, I also have a hard time putting work down even when I know I should. Can anyone relate? 

I'm going to start making some small changes though, and I wondered if any of you would like to join me? Loosen your grip on your laptop just a little bit (white knuckles, anyone?) and take a step back to evaluate, big picture, what you need in your life to stay healthy, productive, and sane.

Here are some things I'm personally going to try in the next month: 

Pick three things to outsource or delegate

It can be a conference call you don't need to be a part of at work, or outsourcing an aspect of your business that feels like a chore to you but is someone else's passion (accounting for instance), or it can be something as simple as asking your family for help around the house. You are amazing, but you are not literally the only person on the planet who can do all the things that you do. Find some things that someone else can help with, take a big gulp, and ask for help, or call in reinforcements in the form of outsourcing items that don't need to be on your plate alone! 

Do one nice thing for yourself every week

This can be hard. If you're like me, you may actually feel real guilt over doing nice things for yourself, if those things don't directly benefit others, but we can try re-frame that feeling. Our culture glorifies workaholic tendencies, but what if you could show  your kids, your friends, your employees a different, more balanced path? What if by doing something nice for yourself, and taking time for you on a regular basis, with no other goal in mind than self-care, you were actually partaking in a revolutionary act of shifting our culture, one bath at a time, from "you can rest when you're dead" to "regular rest and rejuvenation make the world a better place"? Just think about it, preferably while sipping a glass of wine in a bubble bath. 

just say no

We hear a lot of 'Just say yes' talk. It's super trendy lately. And I'm all for that, when what you're saying  yes to is more quality time with loved ones, more experiences, and more adventure, but perhaps this philosophy doesn't serve us as well when what we're saying yes to is actually more busy work, more sleep deprivation, and more obligations that don't fulfill us or serve an important purpose in our lives. So... maybe for a month, or even just a week, try saying a polite 'No thanks' to things that don't spark your interest or to things that you'd only be doing out of guilt. See what happens in this space? Maybe you'll have more breathing room for something that does spark your interest to come along. Or maybe you'll have more time to simply be, which is also really nice, and let's face it, when was the last time you just chilled out, sans phone, or computer screen, or someone else in the room? Can't remember? Same here, which is why maybe this is a good thing to practice. 

I'm going to do my best to try each of these things over the next month, and I'd love for you to join me! Tell me what works for you! What was successful? How do you step away from work and care for yourself? You just may share a tip that works magic in someone else's life. 

--Sam